RELATIONSHIPS: Kicking the Habit

^{Let them not be your role models: Pete & Kate broke all the break-up rules.}

Breaking up. It’s never fun, frequently messy and rarely do the strings sever as cleanly as we’d like. It’s all made that little bit worse when you’re the one who’s been dumped, more so when it’s out of the blue, and horrific when your ex has already moved on to greener pastures – full of cows with longer lashes and bigger udders no less.

Your first couple of days after checking in to the Heartbreak Hotel are crucial in determining how well you’ll move on from this latest dating disaster (hey, no pressure!). Obsessing over your ex and generally refusing to move on can be as addictive as nicotine, shoe shopping or crack cocaine. You may also experience similar side effects: bad toenails, a fallen septum, permanently reeking breath, or worse – social exclusion.  

There’s only one thing to do: kick the habit before it becomes one.

They say it takes between two weeks and 30 days to kick a habit. But if you follow these easy steps (conveniently countable on one hand), you can break your ex addiction over the weekend. 

Step One: Go Cold Turkey

Do not, under any circumstances, contact your ex - even if you mysteriously find their pet dog “by the side of the road” (kidnapping is a crime).

Don’t go to the cafes, bars and sports fields you know they frequent (until you have completed Step Four – even then, such behaviour is not encouraged). You can bitch all you like about this constraint on your social life, but unless you live in a small country town, you can probably manage this one just fine. Remember: it’s only short term. Once your mind is emptied of ex-related thoughts, you are free to party as normal.

Step Two: Eliminate All Signs of Your Ex

And I mean all. Knowledge is power? Apathy is more powerful. Prepare to get better acquainted with your delete key.

The Internet is many things, but at times like this it is your dealer, your enabler and definitely not your closest ally. Facebook is a godsend for obsessives, and the casual “observer” (i.e. stalker) in you can descend into borderline insanity as rapidly as your ex is tagged in photos with attractive members of the opposite sex. Sure, your friend count is going to drop by one – get over it Facebook friend whores – but the insane part of your brain will be grateful not to be unleashed (really, I don’t think Jack Nicholson’s Jack Torrance was too happy about the madness in The Shining. He just never seemed content amongst all that havoc). 

Delete every single text message they ever sent you. Feel free to turn this into a ritualistic ceremony, enjoyed with friends over piles of ice cream and chocolate brownies. Laugh over your ex’s spelling errors, roll your eyes as you lament their inability to give good text, and skip over the nice stuff. Delete it all.

Phone numbers. This is tough, and can present a real quandary. On the one hand, you need to remove their number from your phone to avoid humiliating drunk-dial scenarios. On the other, you may feel you need to know their number should they call you again (as in, so you don’t answer). Trust me when I tell you there is nothing more satisfying than telling an ex you deleted their number when you inadvertently answer their call. Delete their number. If you refuse to do this, at least change their name in your contacts to “Don’t Pick Up” (yes, that’s in both senses of the phrase) or something more choice, possibly starting with the letter “F” or “C” (or both!).

Memorabilia – clear it from your life, but not forever. Put it in a box under your bed. One day you will need evidence of the fact that at one time in your life you were hot property, and deserving of ridiculous teddy bears on Valentine’s Day. Good presents from exes can also be used as a gifting benchmark for future lovers.

Step Three: Stop Talking About Them

No one is interested in the excruciating detail of anything to do with your ex, and nor should you be. It’s over. Move on. Stop caring. 

Note that after several months of not talking about them, your good behaviour is rewarded with a license to bring up amusing details of your love life with close friends who will not tell your ex what you’ve been saying (discretion truly is next to Godliness). The key to keeping this licence is ensuring you are no longer bitter, and you don’t retain any pangs of wistfulness (i.e. “he was a great kisser and all, but he had the clammiest hands. Holding hands with him was like holding hands with a sea monster”).

If you must, set aside one hour with a good friend to bitch. Then shut it, or tell your problems to a professional. Therapists provide amazing perspective and best of all, the focus is all on you for one glorious hour. Remember to be honest.

Step Four: Find A New Habit

Let’s make it a healthy one, shall we?

Go to the gym. A lot. There are the obvious benefits of the endorphin surge making you irritatingly chirpy to those not as gym-enlightened as you, you sleep better (goodbye sleepless, “I wonder what she’s doing right now?” nights) and of course you are more buff, trim and amazing looking. While this shouldn’t be your sole focus, there is that delicious moment of gloat when you see your pesky ex and you know you look hot. Work it.

The other benefit of gym attendance is that, according to informal polling, 35% of other people sweating it out next to you are getting over exes of their own. Assuming they’re reading this, they’ll be ready to date in a couple of days. Consider this your first mover advantage.

Step Five: Allow Yourself A Moment of Weakness

It’s like going cold turkey off vodka or ice cream – you’re more likely to binge and hate yourself in the morning. 

When a thought creeps in, it’s ok to let it fester for a while. Just remember how much more time you have to yourself now that your ex isn’t playing space invaders with your life. Do something that makes you feel good (and that doesn’t involve alcohol, cigarettes or the charging of a credit card), and remember that you’re in control of your life and it’s up to you to decide whether something makes you happy or sad. It’s all about attitude baby, and ain’t no one gonna make you sad unless you let them.

For heaven’s sake don’t do any other draining activities when you’re breaking an addiction (like watching the fourth series of Entourage). In particular, do not try a concurrent Gwyneth Paltrow-style detox – you will be an unbearable burden on your loved ones and they’ve probably already put up with enough what with your heartbreak and all (they still love you though).

In the event of falling off the wagon, return to Step One. Repeat.